the unsuccessful journey

im about to embark on another journey in a couple of months. thinking through the previous one in march gave me some perspective and inspiration to make another attempt.

i had planned to spend march in rajasthan, but things didnt quite work out the way i had hoped. many people have been asking me what happened, and i must have explained it over a dozen times. to make a very long story short, it turned out that i hadnt accounted for my mental, emotional, and spiritual state when i decided to go. much had changed since my last trip in august. and i made the mistake of planning to go to india without considering my present state of being. upon departure, i knew something was different. when i finally arrived in rajasthan, i was so uninspired that i didnt not take any photos.

theres a part of me that wished i had stuck it out, you know...persevered. but the other part was relieved to come back...and in rationalizing that, i told myself that i really didnt have anything to prove to anyone anymore, especially to myself. i guess you could say that i felt like i had something to 'prove' all this time, whether it was to myself or those around me. i simply dont have anything to prove in taking these trips alone. and i am clearer about my mental, emotional, and spritual state now...but more importantly, my purpose for going.

...its a relief to know that my major concern right now is how the weather in cambodia and laos will hold up.





oh...
i do plan to return to rajasthan at some point and give it another go. india holds a special place in my heart, but i no longer view it the same way. the next time, i will see india with new eyes.

old habits can make you sick

today i ate a rotten piece of bread. i was warned not to, and i knew better. but bad habits die hard...

i ate it.
i got sick.
i got upset for having eaten it.
i lost four precious hours recovering.

the lesson:
if its old and no longer wholesome, throw it out.

perspective

thirty seven years ago, these two people gave me life. they fed me, sheltered me, worried about me, scolded me, protected me...loved me. not much has changed today. but as each year passes, i find myself worrying more about them, their future, their health, their general happiness. and as much as i feel guilty about having less time for them (this actually started when i was a teenager), i also feel the tug of my own life calling me, leaving me with a sense of urgency from both sides that sometimes overwhelms me.

besides this and more importantly, i have grown to appreciate them so much. as i watch them age before my eyes, they are seeing me mature (hopefully), perhaps having the same anxieties i have about them. and somewhere in time, we have come to understand each other better; that there is more that we can share and enjoy together.

and oh, i dont dread turning a year older anymore. in the past, i viewed growing older as time running out on me. but now, i find that i have a lot to look forward to. i guess you can say it was just a simple change in perspective. :)

anyway, a big hug to my parents (and step parent :).