second chances

it's not everyday we get a second chance. but today, i was given an opportunity to make right with someone i had wronged.

a while back, i heard some complaints about this person and i took it upon myself to confront her because no one else was willing to directly tell her what they felt. these complaints circulated and soon became accusations. already consumed with my own unresolved history with her, i fueled the fire with my own accusations.

at the time, i knew that what i was about to say would be very hurtful, but i justified my actions by telling myself that, hey, she needs to know; it's my duty to make her see how wrong her actions were and how they affected everyone. i had to make her see the err of her ways...how self-righteous, i know.

i wasn't armed with the knowledge i now have, and i've been part of the reason why these judgements about her still continue. i judged unjustly. and it wasn't until today that i understood the truth, truth i wasn't willing to listen to before.

i realize saying 'i'm sorry' isnt enough and won't change what has resulted from my actions. but i am so grateful that i was given the opportunity to say these words, because i know words can heal. and though i cannot change what i've done, at least i know that the love i feel for her can finally correspond with my actions.

an apology

i am sorry,
for all the times ive hurt you
because in doing so, i had hurt myself
i am sorry for all the times
i didnt understand
what you wanted me see.

...for the times i snapped at you undeservingly
for making you feel as if you had to tiptoe around me;
wary of setting off a ticking bomb.

i am sorry for being prideful,
and not saying sorry when i was at fault
for being
difficult
moody
untrusting
selfish
hurtful
for not communicating to you
what i desired, needed, hoped for...
for making you guess what i was feeling
instead of simply telling you.

i am sorry for ruining perfectly good days
with a sudden shift in temperature,
if only i had told you
that small thing that bothered me that moment.

...for not being straightforward because
i didnt have the confidence
to ask something of you,
or think i had that right
im sorry for having made you feel exhausted
in trying to figure out a way, figure me out...

im sorry for being stubborn,
when all i really wanted to do
was say i was wrong, please hold me...
instead i made you come to me.

for these things, i am really sorry.

i clearly see myself now,
for the way i have been with you,
and with others who were close to me
though i cant make excuses
or change the past,
i can change for the better...
and offer these words (though a bit delayed)
~ i am sorry.

from the bottom of my heart
thank you for the insight,
i am grateful for the opportunity to learn...
i assure you i will continue
to discover who and what i need to be(come),
and transform from all of the above.

the thing about love

the thing about love, ive learned, is that its more than something you 'feel' in moments when things are harmonious...love is a choice and a commitment .

in the last months, i have come to understand more and more that a feeling-kind-of-person like me cannot always rely on mere feelings because feelings come and go. for example, feelings of hunger, pain, satisfaction, tiredness, excitement...they change throughout the day. and if we say love is just a feeling, then i suppose it would come and go too at the mercy of mood and circumstance.

ive inadvertently put this notion of love to the test. what ive discovered is that love is much much more than just a warm fuzzy feeling you have (romantically speaking). love is the actions - the act of being loving towards the other person in those not-so-loving moments. love means being unselfish when i want to have my way; it means to be patient when i would rather be intolerant; it means being kind when i could be harsh.

...love is a choice i make to be gentle and loving when every cell in my body is screaming anger, frustration, or hurt.
...it means that i make a conscious effort to ensure that the other person knows i still love them even when i dont feel like doing so
...but most importantly, love is making the commitment to work it out even when its just easier to walk away.

of course, its all easier said than done, but i believe im getting better and better at it. i am the kind of person to not be direct in dealing with unpleasant situations and it always caused me and the party involved unnecessary grief. its still not easy though, but i have a much better grip on how it works now. i am continually amazed at the results each time i am given an opportunity to refine it. the key is keeping in mind the bigger goal and not focusing on a moment or situation.