nostalgia calling

the last day of work triggered the nostalgia of being on the road again. for the past few weeks, i have had the desire to revisit parts of latin america and create some new memories. perhaps it was the opportunity to be able to use my spanish with my students' parents that elicited this feeling. and it felt good to reconnect with that part of myself.

six weeks off seems like a lot of time, but after not having worked for a year, it really is little time to do the traveling that i used to do. ive been thinking about revisiting mexico, especially in october because of all the festivities. i was browsing through oliver föllmi's photography book of latin america and looking through it last night brought back some memories and resurfaced the wanderlust in me.

but mexico will have to wait because i will be spending this time doing something that i may not have an opportunity to do again ~ travel with my dad and brother. im really excited about this trip as it will be a first for us. with my parents getting older, the idea of international travel is a big production. not to mention, coordinating our schedules is almost impossible these days. but this will be a great way for us to celebrate my dad's birthday.


as far as independent traveling, sometimes i wonder if that desire will ever go away...or at least diminish. everytime i think im done, i get inspired when i pass the travel section in a bookstore. i look forward to when pramin and i can explore the world together and hopefully the bug will bite him too. until then, i continue to struggle with wanting to be in two worlds at the same time... *sigh*

the appearance

last night i drempt that he had come back. its been over 16 years, and he finally resurfaced. we were all meeting some friends, old high school ones. and someone told me he was on his way to see me. how could that be? i asked myself. we laid him to rest. i was there. how could he be here now?

then, i saw him. he walked over to me, smiling, then giving me a casually warm hug. he looked the same, and as if the years had never passed. i stared at him in bewilderment, blinking, in total disbelief. no one else around thought his appearance was unusual. everyone hugged and said hello to him.

later, while we were alone, he explained that he had to leave abruptly seventeen years ago. for what reason, he didnt say. he said that he had to fake his death and that no one, not even family, could know why. and then he kissed me. it was a passionate kiss, one i did not recognize. nor was it at all intimate. i was perplexed as to how he could just act as if nothing happened, as if he didnt owe me something for my sorrows.

not long after, a woman appeared. we were back in the room full of people now. there were more people around, mostly high school friends, but some others i didnt know. she was familiar though, but i couldnt pinpoint where i had seen her before. there was something uneasy about her presence. i didnt know why, but she made me very uncomfortable. and the way she was dressed, it was rather fancy for such an informal gathering. she said her round of hellos without noticing that she stood out...or that i noticed her from across the room.

i heard whispers of conversations in the room. they were about her...and him. i learned that she was now a very wealthy woman who started setting her sights on fortunes when she was very young. i was soon able to put together that she was the reason he departed some years ago. he had left his simple life for a glamorous one that she offered him. and apparently, wealth was not the only thing she had set her eyes on.

murky waters

often images can seem beautiful, flawless, even crystal clear. but upon examination and reflection, you discover that there is a lot of dust and imperfection. looking even closer, you start to see some parts that can potentially ruin the whole image if left unfixed.

i think the same can be said about human nature. while some argue that people are inherently good, i believe that we are inherently selfish and unkind. i mean, why does it take learning and effort to be good people? why do we need reminders to be grateful? why do we make bad choices when we know the better options? why must there be rewards for being good? because its just not in our nature. take 'good' people for example. they practice doing good deeds; they consciously make make good choices.

it starts early. children naturally want what they want. if they werent taught that they cant always have their way, that they have to think of others, and that there are consequences for their actions, they would grow up being menaces. it is because they are taught self-control that they learn to be less selfish.

on a personal level, ive learned that my own nature is selfish. even when faced with circumstances where i am given chances to be otherwise, i dont always choose it. instead, i can be mean and abrupt, even hurtful because it is easier (at that moment). its certainly easier than sticking around and dealing with the issue. at least it seems so at the moment. but i keep learning that the consequences of those actions are even harder to fix in the long run. by then, there is more to repair.

i am being reminded of the many times that ive behaved this way. and i can hardly beleive that i still do this knowing the past results. i must be really dense, or stubborn, or selfish...or just plain hopeless.

fortunately, i know im not the latter.