those small moments

the topic of savoring the small moments has been something that has been lingering in the back of my mind for a while now. its so cliche, i know, but after becoming a mom, i feel as if i truly understand what it means. it hit me the other day when i was sitting on the floor watching charlie play with her toys. i wasnt really interacting with her, just observing and lost in my own thoughts. i marveled that she can now entertain herself, squealing and babbling, and bouncing on her little butt. later i caught her pulling herself up on her tippy toes and peeking over the barrier i put up. my favorite moment was when she just sat there with her toys, her back turned to me, and i could see the strands of hair that curl towards the nape of her chubby neck. in that moment, i was in awe of this little body. i realized that the helpless newborn i held just a few months ago (soon to be a year) is becoming an independent little lady.

i suppose thats why i have this obsession of documenting everything, be it in writing or in images. its as if it gives me back some of those moments, so to speak. still, it doesnt slow down time, but at least i could see where it all went.

a touching moment

a couple of weeks ago, i had the opportunity to document an event for a family who was celebrating their grandmother. i have only done events like this for my own family, and little did i know what an impact it would have on me. even when i think about it now, i am deeply touched.

turning 100 is no ordinary event, and it definitely isnt everyday that i get to be part of that celebration. family members came from different parts of the world to celebrate grandma's birthday. it was interesting to see a few people who were meeting each other for the first time.

everything went smoothly...as people came in through the door, they had their portraits taken with grandma. then people got acquainted with each other, took their seats and lunch was served. some of the great-grand kids performed for their great-grandmother. and then before cutting the cake, there was a slideshow.


this was the highlight of the event for me. as the slideshow played, pictures of grandma in her childhood, youth, and adulthood flashed on the screen. i was able to watch for a few moments here and there and i couldnt help but be moved. it brought back memories of my own grandparents lives. towards the end of the slideshow, i clicked a couple of grandma watching and i wondered what she was feeling and thinking. did she experience joy? sorrow? her expression was one of nostalgia, but i suppose i will never know the answer. i was just glad i was able to capture that instant. and each time i look at this image, i am reminded of what i felt. and perhaps, what she felt.

its stuff like this that makes me fall in love with photography even more.

who would have thought...

me, a mommy? certainly not me. i had let go of this idea some years back. i told myself i would be perfectly content living a life free of large responsibilities (like children) and be able to travel as freely as i wanted. but that was not the plan in store for me.

and now, charlie is almost six months old...old. older. and im starting to panic. ive had six uninterrupted months with this little person and now its about to be disrupted by a responsibility called work...

ive been preparing my heart for this moment, for not being able to spend the happiest time of the day with her. so this week, ive been savoring these moments especially, looking at her more, cuddling with her more, kissing her more, and yes, crying a bit too.

tonight, as we waltzed in the living room listening to lullabies, she locked eyes with me for what seemed like eternity. her almond-shaped eyes looked at me in a way that seemed like she understood who i was to her. and tears began welling up in my eyes. for a while, i was overcome with sadness and i held her closer. she was growing up already. and i was losing her, even though she was securely in my embrace. i got a glimpse of her in the future, not remembering this moment we once shared.

i never thought that these would be my thoughts and emotions. if someone told me ten years ago that i would fall in love with a little baby and love being a mommy, i would have laughed. but this is my life now, and how i wish i could freeze this moment.

unfinished business

sometimes i wonder if i will ever finish...
if i thought i had little time to do all the things i wanted to do before, there is even less time now. there is so much unfinished business in my life. unfinished projects. unfinished conversations. unfinished journeys. and occasionally, i think i have unfinished relationships. even on a daily basis, unfinished things pile up and im realizing that not finishing can be detrimental to the spirit; it makes me restless. and if there is a moment or two after feeding the baby, washing the bottles, doing laundry, editing a photo or two or three, spending a few quality moments with my husband, playing with charlie, going for a brisk walk, and oh yes, squeezing in nap...if after all this i find a moment, i find that all i want to do is nothing at all.
yes, im a total rookie at this. i never thought i would be a wife, let alone a mother. and im a beginner at both. i keep telling myself that it will get easier, that i would get to those unfinished items, but new ones keep popping up. perhaps i should just accept that there are some things that i will never finish and that i should be ok with that.

...i ll have to sit with that for a few moments.

in awe

...that theres a whole person growing inside me. i look down at my belly and can see her entire being stretched across ten inches of me, wiggling away. and every discomfort and complaint i have is washed away by this tiny person who will soon call me mama.

the power of a moment

its 5pm in the afternoon, my husband is napping on the couch with his arms around me. the only light source is coming from our lit tree and the tv with christmas music playing softly in the background. usually, i nap with him. but today, i am unable to rest my mind. as i look around the glowing room, a profound sense of peace and gratitude sweeps over me. i cannot remember a holiday season like this one, ever. somehow, in this brief instant, i realize a moment like this may never come again...one of being blissfully in love with the man next to me, while expecting a child we have been praying for, and listening to the soothing melody of silent night in a room filled with the scent of pine... and being comforted knowing that no matter what happens, we are under His care. i feel all this during a time i should be filled with anxiety about the dramatic and irreversible change thats about to take place in my life. yet a sense of joy sweeps over me. as i lay here in his arms, i wish this moment would last a bit longer.

those ephemeral moments

i was driving home today reflecting on the days events. one thought led to another, and a song or melody triggered a time in my life when i was young(er) and carefree. thinking about that led me to all the subsequent events in my life, from high school times to my early twenties, to my eye opening and heartbreaking experiences in my thirties, and then up to the moment i was driving home. all of it seemed amazing and life changing in that moment. it reminded me of those flashes people get when they are near death. a bit morbid, i know, but there was not an ounce of fear or regret. rather, i felt a surge of satisfaction because i realize what a full life i have lived, and its not even half over.

basically, i was amazed at my own journey.

ive had moments like these before, but none so filled with joy and clarity. i wrote about it because i want it to be a reminder to record more moments like these. they tend to escape me before i can sit down and thoughtfully record it. hopefully, i ll be able to do this more often.