its greener on this side

ive had the most amazing days with pramin lately, and our talks are becoming deeper and more meaningful with time, just when i didnt think it was possible for us to be anymore connected.

today we strolled into borders for some caffine. and as usual, i made my way to the photography section. steve mccurry's book, 'looking east' made me realize something. (if youve ever opened this book, you would understand its effect on the traveler and the photographer). it was hard not to be moved by the faces on the pages. and in that moment, i felt something i thought had left me - a tugging at my heartstrings to be on the road again. looking at those images had me conflicted: be here to nurture a beautiful relationship, a gift from God...or out there globetrotting.

in examining these feelings, i realized that i am happier now, or i should say, more joyful, than i have ever been. and i dont mean the superficial momentary elation that one feels from things going well in life. its more of a spiritual joy, one of peace and knowing God. of course, having the most amazing partner in the world can only add to that.


not long after, we resumed our carefree day as if that moment in the bookstore never happened. we talked until the wee hours of the night and after i came home, i realized that i could not ask for more than what i have now. everything is perfect. and that there will always be times when we want to be on the other side of the fence, living a different life. i reminded myself of the misery i felt while i was away from him, and how i longed for nothing more than to be home, in his arms.

...which is what i have now.

lucky me

sounds like bragging, but i think i am finally entitled...in the last few years, my life seemed to be going in so many directions, yet never really heading anywhere. but after coming back from my summer travels last year, my life was about to take a big turn. i never could have imagined what was about to happen, as secretly as i had wished for it. i would soon discover that i could have everything i ever wanted in a person, and then some. i had stopped believing that there was someone out there for me - someone who could love in the ways i wanted to be loved...whole-heartedly, unselfishly, purely. maybe it was just too much to ask for.
but it wasnt. i learned that this was the plan all along...to long for, to ache, to hope, and finally to give up. i realized i had to do all that so that i could appreciate what was ahead of me. and no matter how i express my happiness or who i share it with, i am the only one who can truly know how lucky i am.
...but ive been told that luck has nothing to do with any of this. ;)

mind on cambodia

ive been in cambodia for just over two weeks now and i meant to write and entry, but ive had such a difficult time gathering my thoughts and emotions as so much has been experienced in such a short amount of time. ive also learned so much in these past days, about the country, its people, its history. admittingly, i knew almost nothing before i arrived. only warnings of not wandering off beaten paths because there are still landmines scattered throughout the countryside. but at this moment, what ive seen and learned is beyond words. at times beyond comprehension. and my heart is heavy as ive never, in my travels, seen or experienced what i have here. the result of cambodias recent past is seen everyday, in almost every pair of eyes you encounter. its hard not to ache or be moved. and yet, i see resilience in the smiles of the children here. hope.

their eyes sparkle when they do smile. some have forgotten how, it seems, or never learned. but what beauty there is in the souls of the people, collectively and individually.

this is all i can say for now. i will collect my words and try to convey what ive learned in subsequent entries.


*******update*********
im currently in sihanoukville, a beachside city. got back from a boatrip to the islands today that made me totally seasick. i can still feel the rocking of the boat as i sit here writing this. uck.

i will determine if my suffering was worthwhile after i have a look at my photos. :-P