it was never mine

it was no coincidence that she was in the room with us. she knew he was coming back because of me, and she was here to prevent him from staying. their eyes locked from across the room, unaware of my suspicions. he stood closer to me, as if her presence worried him...as if she had some kind of hold on him. he said it was getting late and we still had a lot to catch up on. there was so much he wanted to tell me, he said. as we turned to leave, i saw her waiting at the door. she smiled warmly and said hello to him without acknowledging my presence. he introduced us, but she kept her gaze on him and asked if they could have a moment alone. we'll only be a minute, she said to me, still looking at him. reluctantly, he agreed and said he would be back shortly.

i waited uneasily by the door for what seemed like eternity. so many possibilities swirled in my head and then i told myself it was better that i left. my life has been fine all these years; it doesnt matter that he's returned. why should i expect anything from him? besides, she has kept him happy all this time, and what mattered was his happiness. i let go of any hopes to be with him and headed for my car. while digging for my keys in my purse, i heard footsteps running towards me.

why did you leave? he asked (funny you should ask that question, i wanted to retort). instead, i told him it was better he went back to her, that he'd be happier. he seemed hurt that i made no attempts to ask any questions. i confessed that i already knew that she was the reason he had left. he revealed that she came to offer him an even better life...one of total security, love, and something he desperately wanted, a family. she made promises that i could never make, basicallly guaranteed that his life would be what he always dreamed.

his eyes were pleading for me to give him a reason to stay. he asked so many questions, most of them i did not have answers to. he wanted me to assure him that i would always be at his side...that we would have the family we talked of having...it wasnt in my power to know the future. i could not make any promises. all i knew was that God would watch over our lives, and anything more i did not know. the tears in his eyes told me it wasnt enough. if he chose to go, i told him i would understand. i admitted that if i wasnt where i was in my life, i would choose that life too. she loved him. and in a way, that gave me comfort.


i got into my car as he stood there watching me drive off. i felt my heart sink as i watched him get smaller and smaller in my mirror. i rationalized that he did not love me enough anyway; it shouldnt have been a difficult choice. he will have a happy life with her, i convinced myself. she can offer him everything, things i could never promise. and as the tears fell onto my lap, i silently said goodbye to him for the last time. it felt like the right thing...for both of us.




before i fell asleep, i prayed that i had done the right thing and thanked God for giving me the opportunity to find closure. i wrestled with my sorrows for a few minutes more and then fell asleep. it seemed like only minutes later that i was awoken by my own sobbing and a wet pillow...and by the knocking on my door.